And Yet I Do Not Fear: Thoughts After the Boston Marathon Bombing

Yesterday, April 15, 2013, 2 bombs explode near the finish line of the Boston Marathon…3 dead, 144 injured that we know of today.  I cannot wrap my mind around the senselessness of this event.  Why do people feel this kind of act is necessary?  Such acts are beyond my comprehension and I struggle to understand…we all do.

Those bombs tore relative peace from the streets of Boston and the lives of thousands of people.  Again terror has entered our reality; forced upon us by hate-filled individuals who have sought to cause us to fear them, have sought some sick retribution in their twisted self-righteousness.  Even here on the other side of the continent I feel the concussion from this terror filled blast.  Honestly my heart and mind are tempted to fear as I struggle with the why but this morning in stead of fearing I find I am looking to the heavens, to my God and I am not afraid; I do not understand and yet I am not afraid.  I have been deeply shaken yes, but I am not afraid, I pray and cry, but I am not afraid.

My heart weeps for the loss of the little 8 year old who was killed, weeps for the ones who died and for those physically injured.  I weep for those loved ones the blast left torn, for the damage done in the hearts and minds of all who are touched by this event across this nation and across the world.  I weep for the painful struggle I know many will have to endure as they heal…struggle in their bodies of pain, in their heart and minds to not give up as they overcome the pain they feel.  I weep in prayer for those with hidden injuries that only God can reach in to touch in those heavily guarded places of the heart.  Those injuries that might break open a hardened heart to their need for the Savior…wounds that go deeper than flesh, injuring the sense of peace and the comfort of the safety we have known.

I look to God and understand that He saw this.  He saw it coming.  He knows who did it and why.  Knowing this does not make it easy and I find I am tempted to want to know why He did not intervene but stop short of asking.  God so often does things outside of human understanding and honestly even if we knew it may not bring satisfaction.  It is enough for me that I know the character of my God and His ultimate purpose to use what the enemy meant for evil for His good and for His glory somehow.  It is enough for me that I know His ways are not our ways and that this world is fallen and evil resides here and will until Jesus returns to claim His bride…until Christ returns to judge the living and the dead.

I do not strive to understand things to great for me regarding this senseless, evil act, but only strive with the love of Christ to carry in prayer those affected by this terrible event before my Heavenly Father and to ask that those who are responsible will be brought to justice.  So I pray for strength of heart and spirit for those attending the wounded and for their families.  I pray that the goodness of God will surround those who have been wounded, His comfort, His peace…sheltered beneath His wings in this terrible storm of affliction.  I pray also that lives will be shaken enough to realize their need for Jesus, the hope for the hopeless.  The song “He Is Our Peace” courses through my mind as I pray…(Father we long for peace outwardly and find none, may we look to You for peace inwardly, eternally.)

I know that even if and when the perpetrator is found and convicted, this will not bring and end to evil here, it is only one more event in many we will suffer along the timeline of this earth's history.  We have for centuries been spared violence at the hand of our enemies here in our country, separated from those who would seek to do us harm and for many decades have not had to look terror in the eyes as they do daily in other parts of the world.  But it seems those days are fading, coming to and end, and the days are darkening as a way has been left open for such men to do their worst here.  So I pray for faith that will not fail, for a heart of greater understanding…and for His mercy.  I pray that we will see God’s goodness, actually I know we will, even though the perpetrator meant this thing for evil, but I still pray and ask for it.

Lord God, Lord Almighty, I pray for my brothers and sisters in Christ, May we all watch how we speak about this and remember that vengeance is Yours and give You room to enact that vengeance as You see fit.  Keep our hearts from seeking retribution and from calling blame!  Help us to walk in the fruit of the Spirit and help us to do Your will.  Help us to be Jesus to those around us who are struggling to understand and may Your peace be upon us and evident to others.  Help us to not sin in our anger over this event but help us to love as Jesus loves, to pray for our leaders and our enemies.  Be glorified in us today. 

A Promise of Celebration

The praising man in ice

If the little man in ice were real I know exactly how he feels...trapped.  This journey feels like being trapped sometimes....often asking "Will this struggle ever end?"  I've been asking that question a lot lately it seems and again my week started with having to face the challenges brought on by physical pain and weakness. I have been struggling internally and angry since the results of my recent MRI and talking with my chiropractor who was less than encouraging only made things worse. I found I have been wrestling with God about this whole issue because of how things are happening and not in a particularly healthy way either.  My wresting has been robbing my peace and causing me to become impatient with others, that person I don't like being. 

Even after God's specific instructions to wait, to let Him do the doing I still fight it.  It's easier to said than done to trust when you are someone who has always had to find help on your own.  It doesn't matter that God wants me to just be still and not fight against the way He is doing things, I want so badly to find answers and relief and it's not coming...at least not yet and this waiting is hard and I don't like it.  I don't think that it is that I don't think God will do something, it is that I don't know how to really wait or maybe what the heck am I supposed to do while I wait.  Am I supposed to do anything at all? 

God knows me well and all those internal struggles I go through and my heart that desires to please Him even when I struggling...yes I do want His will most of all.  So in spite of my struggling God being ever so patient and faithful knew exactly what I needed and did not correct me for struggling or failing to trust Him completely.  Instead He spoke quite clearly through a good friend as she stood and preached about God taking ugly things and transforming them...specifically the cross, into lasting symbols of redemption, grace and forgiveness.   Then these words came out of her mouth, "Your weakness will be your celebration." and I knew God was looking directly at me telling me what He is going to do next... Tears immediately began to stream down my face as I felt the finger of God touch my heart and my heart begin to let go of its struggle...but not all the way.

I must confess I don't know what it looks like at all to live transformed in this manner or even sort of feel that way about this life of pain.  And this letting go doesn't seem to be happening overnight as I found myself still struggling this morning.  Old habits die hard I guess.  All I know is that this struggle has robbed me of so much it has left me with little to feel celebratory about other than God is using it. 

Knowing all the Bible verses relating to such a word hasn't made me feel any better or turned me into an instant expert on it either.  That is only head knowledge and of little value when the soul is crying out for mercy.  What I lack is true heartfelt understanding of what it means...and it seems God is planning on showing me what that means.   This is same work that God did in the heart of King David enabling him to say "You have turned for me my mourning into dancing" in Psalm 30:11 and that same transformative power that takes a horrific symbol of payment owed for wrongs committed like the cross and turns it into a symbol of grace and mercy and of His love.  It is the transformative power God.

I find those words spoken through my friend so beautifully compelling and I hear is His voice, my Abba Father's voice, every time I read them.  It is as though HE is saying it to me out loud "This is my will for you and what I will do in you!" so I read them over and over again, letting the sound and spirit of them sink deeply in my spirit.

My heart is responding with such a longing to experience what God says He will do and my soul is encouraged.  My spirit is hungry for His good will to be accomplished within me.  Am I nervous about how it might happen?   Yes, I have to say I am, but I am not afraid and am not going to sit here and dredge up all the various ways I think that might happen.  That is just a waste of time and energy as I have no control of what God has planned...not to mention it would be the perfect way to open the door to worry and fear and become bound with anxiety.

This ability to celebrate will not be achieved any other way than by His work in me and only God knows how to accomplish the necessary work that will transform the pain of weakness of this struggle into my celebration.  It is God taking what is not and making it so, God taking what the enemy meant for evil and using it for the good of those who are His own.  It is the kind of thing that cannot be accomplished by human strength of will or through constant quoting of scripture and claiming them in faith any more than we can save ourselves.  This"celebration" will only become reality through the work of the Holy Spirit according to God's will in me...or in you if and when you come to this place in your walk.  Then and only then will this "celebration" be born in my/our hearts and not just in our minds, born of truth and not just something we worked ourselves up into "feeling".  It will not be the sinking sands of emotionalism or vain imaginations but foundational truth built in us by God...built in me and built in you.

This is one of those times when I can say, "Though my heart and flesh may fail me God is my strength and my portion forever" and really mean it.  If it were up to me I would just give up, through in the towel, get angry and stay angry, fill up with self pity or even self loathing and become a pitiful example of a suffering saint.  How grateful I am He is not leavning me as He found me and not forsaken me...or you too for that matter.  And I mean that. 

Here's to more adventures in discovery as God works in us in ways we could never imagine.   



Copyright © 2013 by Patty Hicks

All rights reserved. No part of this blog may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including printing, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system without written permission from the author, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review. All reviews must include author's name and a link back to this blog.

2013 Challenge: To Not Sew a Single Seed

Catalogs became the voice of the devil to me

What would happen to my life if I didn't sew a single seed in my garden?  I began wondering about this a few years ago when pain levels in my back began making it increasingly difficult to garden and have decided actually do it and see what will happen.  That may not sound hard to some of you, but for someone like me who has passionately gardened for decades, I am finding it at times to be very challenging.

For instance, those seed catalogs that I so love to see come in the mail have turned into the voice of the devil to me.  No more fun shopping those gorgeous photos of luscious lettuces and tempting tomatoes.   I wouldn't you know it, I opened my mailbox the day after making this decision and out popped two of my very favorite seed catalogs on the same day. "NO, NO, NO! This is not fair!" I shouted waving them in the air so God could see them and everyone else too, laughing at the irony of it all.  My neighbors must think I am a loon sometimes.

When the seed packets were put out at our local grocery store I just had to peek.  Just once you know...take a little peek to see if there was anything new this year which I realized was really seeing what I was going to be missing and a really bad idea too by the way.  Standing there in the isle in front of God and everybody I suddenly realized  I could not buy a single one of them even if I wanted to!  Resisting the temptation to envision gorgeous lush Mascara lettuce plants or killer Laciniato kale or beautiful Bull's Blood beets I could grow was awful and hard and sad.  The reality of it all, even though I knew it was good for me was harder than I expected and my eyes welled up with tears.  Suddenly I realized I had better get away from the racks before I lost it completely.

This whole exercise in letting go of growing from seed is probably good for me I keep telling myself.  Not probably, it is actually very good for me and for two reasons.  First, because I have chronic back pain, 24/7 rob your life kind of chronic pain, back pain that has gotten so bad that it is basically crippled me.  I can't sew seeds if I cannot take care of the plants and to take care of the plants I need to be able to shovel, which I can't do, and I can't kneel or bend to weed, and I absolutely cannot lug a hose...you get the picture.  (I still secretly dream of digging...I miss digging more than any others work in the garden.)  I know I need to be careful with what I do and that means the gardening has to go.  This pain was the impetus for my taking on this challenge which also has made it easier to accept.  Hopefully it will be a part of me sticking to it too.  Harder is convincing other people that gardening is not something I should be doing right now.

Some of you are probably wondering why I don't get my husband to garden. Let me stop you right there before you attempt to voice that thought...No! No! No!  That man, who I love dearly, is best when he just fixes things and stays out of the garden!  We all have things we just cannot do very well and his is gardening so don't even go there!  He proved that long ago when I trusted him to help water the veggie garden while I was at a family reunion.  I demonstrated what needed done and recommended what not to do and why...he did the later.  I got home to find half the tomato plants had died for lack of water because he thought he set up this smart watering system, the one I warned him not to.  I just cannot trust the man because he is always trying to do things by "sciencing them out" which almost always fails. (ugh...Sorry Honey...I love ya but you are no gardener.) 

At this point I have not been able to take care of the garden as it should be for three years and I am more than ready to let it go.   It has become a bit of a nightmare and needs a total makeover, as in an "extreme garden makeover".  Outside of a miracle that will not be happening by my hand unless I gain my health back and even then the desire to garden like I used to just isn't there anymore.

God has been trying to get it through my thick scull that there is something else He wants me do besides gardening which honestly was my whole life for several years.  I kept getting nudges to use other gifts and talents, like writing and art...not that I am incredibly artistic but God has this crazy way of taking what we have and making it wonderful so I am game.  But what should I do?  That was and is the big question for me right now.  There are enough options that it is making this pretty exciting actually. 

There are a lot of friends out there who know only that I know a lot about plants and little else about me.  It has been difficult for them to wrap their minds around the idea of me not gardening because it was my identity for so long.  To them I have always been "Patty the Plant Lady" and gardening is what I do!  I am Patty who talks in Latin and can grow anything from cuttings and Patty, the lady everyone goes to with their plant questions.  Yes, that WAS me, and I am still that person...just not like I used to be, I am becoming more.

Gardening and plants had taken up so much of my life I think I got lost in the process; I had become a "gardenaholic" as we gardeners jokingly say.  But honestly I think I really was addicted to it.  I used it as an escape, as my identity and I buried myself beneath it like a drunk hides in his bottle. The truer me was trapped beneath it all, my desires laying dormant, waiting to grow, to bloom the way God intended for me too from the beginning. 

This has been confirmed to me as since having to let go of being "the gardener" I have seen an increased desire to grow in other areas that were not as well cultivated as my plant nerd self was.  Desires to do things I used to do and some things I've never done before have been sprouting up like spring seedlings.  It's time for those other things to be brought forward and I am really excited by some of the possibilities.

So by laying down my trowel, the shovel and hoe, giving away all the seeds of temptation I have stored up in my pretty little heart and head, I am now opening my hands and my heart to what God has next.  I am getting ready for my next assignment and gaining better understanding of who this me is that God has designed so wonderfully.  Preparing myself in mind and body, through studying scriptures, reading books, working hard on getting my back health restored...it is me taking this journey hand in hand with my God, one step at a time.  It will be interesting to see where it takes me and I look forward to what I will discover.  Stay tuned!

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plant for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.



Copyright © 2013 by Patty Hicks

All rights reserved. No part of this blog may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including printing, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system without written permission from the author, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review. All reviews must include author's name and a link back to this blog.

Unexpected Beauty In Letting Go

Hollyhocks, self sown, are among my favorites this year.
They help welcome everyone to the garden.

I have been looking out my window at the summer flowers in my garden and thinking about how much I have enjoyed them this year.  This is in spite of the fact that most of them were planted where they are without any help from me and grow in places I would have never wanted to plant them.

The wanderers
Jacob Cline Monarda and Cooley's Hedge Nettle

Between the mole moving bits of roots and bulbs around to things self sowing, it has become a surprise every year as to what will come up where and the garden has become less and less of what I planned it to be and more of a wild child.  In spite this the flowers are still performing beautifully...maybe more so than when I wielding control of it.

Adenaflora...Under the Quince tree?
I never planted it there!

I have spent many days in angst over what I have defined as the crying child who I am unable to console.  By that I mean I can no longer keep it weeded and keep plants in their places.  But as I think about what I have witnessed this year I have to say, in spite of this anxiety there has been a blessing  born in every new batch of flowers that open up...fantastic, beautiful, sweet and bold flowers!

This garden is a far cry from the well groomed, regularly mulched garden with trimmed chamomile pathways and plants kept within bounds that I used to maintain.  And as I consider what I am witnessing I think I have a huge lesson God is teaching me...I need to relax a lot more.  He has shown me that control does not give me what I think it will.  It only serves to make me feel I need to always be in control.  And if my efforts are all spent on control, how much do I miss out on when I am so focused on needing to be in control?  I think I have missed out on a lot of opportunities to see His beauty in my life because of this. But am hopeful for the future as I let go and let Him have His way as I remember that nothing is loss in God's economy.

Astrantia major doing a major job of self sowing
where Iris siberica 'David' also grows.

If you can relate to what I am saying then I encourage you to take today and try to enjoy the blooms you find in your life, especially those that pop up in unexpected and seemingly unwanted places.  And don't be afraid of let go of those plans for your life.  Let them go and hit the ground and let God raise them up like an emerging plant from a seed buried in the soil emerges in the right time.  Letting God direct and design the plan for our lives will bring about His best for us.

Bronze fennel self sowed amid the tulips
and I loved it!

Make room for what God wants to grow in your life, surrender to the Master Gardener.  Lay down the shovel of self-will, the wheel barrow of pride, the hoe of anxiety and the rake of rebellion and the tiller of selfish ambition and let His eternal beauty will begin to bloom in the garden of your life.  Ask Him for help if you are struggling with this.  I had to, my entire identity used to be tied to this garden back in the day.  I prayed to God that if it was not a place where He would be glorified and where people would be able to experience His love that He would take it from me.  He hasn't taken it from me but He has changed the garden and at the same time has changed my hearts desire for it.

Designed by my team of moles
Garden Phlox behind Nectaroscordum
Not bad, Not bad at all.

God's will is for our good; a good that is more often defined differently than we define it but in the end will bring forth such amazing beauty where only the weeds of sin once grew. May His beauty be born out in your life today as you start trusting Him for your future.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."



Copyright © 2012 by Patty Hicks
All rights reserved. No part of this blog may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including printing, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system without written permission from the author, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review. All reviews must include author's name and a link back to this blog.

Hummingbird Brain

Last fall I watched the hummingbirds fight and bicker over our two feeders we have out in our garden as one fought for his territorial food source.  These birds have no concept that these feeders will not go empty because they don't understand that there is a human who makes sure there is always bountiful food available, enough to feed many hummingbirds.  I laughed at the irony of this habitual behavior but was suddenly struck with the realization that I have the same problem when it comes to God's provision for my life.   It seemed I too was unable to grasp the concept that God is always at work providing for me. (ouch!)  He, being my Heavenly Father, willingly, joyfully and freely is giving me what I need each and every day.  But here I stood no longer laughing at the birds, realizing I was being a total bird brain! I, like the hummingbird, was trying to protect what I had been given because I did not trust God to meet the needs in my life...all areas of my life.

Lack of faith? Maybe.  Actually I think it was more a lack of understanding, at least in my case and maybe in many of us.  What I had been taught by experience was that I could not trust in anyone for what I needed or I would be open to neglect or disappointment or hurt. Who wants any of that?  Not me!   Even though I wanted to be able to trust someone else I found people always failed (a sad truth) and have held onto that belief in all my adult relationships...even my relationship with God. So at this point my ears were burning and my heart convicted by the revealed illustration before me.  I had little faith in God's ability to provide for me through people or otherwise.  Even after learning what Jesus tells us in Matthew 6 and Luke 12 of the Bible as He states that our Heavenly Father who leads the birds to their food and clothes the lilies of the fields, that this same God also knows our needs and will provide for us, I just didn't get it.  I didn't know what trusting God for these things looked like.

Because of this inability to trust God in the area of provision I often acted an awful lot like those birds, always flitting around trying to make ends meet, overworking myself really and fueling the fires of anxiety within myself.  I would get very defensive towards others if they got in my way or messed with my plans, at times feeling the need to have complete control because I knew things wouldn't turn out the way "I" thought they needed to otherwise.  This birdbrain thinking was most evident when it came to my attitude about money and affected a whole lot of other areas of life. (big ouch!) So lets get back to the birds for a minute here.

The hummingbirds seem to put up with my presence in the garden near their feeder except for the odd times  when I gather the feeders in to clean and refill them.  You should hear the scolding I get.  "Chit chit chit"...as I get near their food, even getting dive-bombed if they are feeling especially protective that day.  My worried complaints and propensity towards sudden outburst of anger when feeling afraid about money or losing control over circumstances is not unlike this bird behavior.  Yep its official...I was being a real birdbrain.  Ugh!  Everything was fine in my world until God needed to mess with my comfort zone so He could get His work accomplished...just like when I went to mess with the feeders so the birds could have good clean food. I acted exactly like the hummingbird!

The timing of this lesson could not have come at a better time in my life as our household had been facing a longstanding lean season at a time when my body had also became hobbled with pain keeping me from being the driving workforce I used to be. I was stripped of things I could put my trust in and forced to rely on God's providential supply which He would demonstrate to me was never late and always exactly what I needed.  Even if I might not think it was exactly what I needed at the time I learned it was "all" I really needed.  So I've had to learn to let go of control over things being done my way by me and control over my needs being met by my own strength.  I've had to learn that I didn't need what I thought I did and that if something really needed getting done it would get done in God's timing not mine.  That's a lot of letting go, let me tell you.

I know I am not along in this illustration of how much we act like hummingbirds in our angst over things that make us feel safe and secure is pretty profound if you really think about it.  I see it in people in differing measures all the time.  We take careful stock of our resources; money, food, housing, clothing, health, relationships, determine in our own understanding what we can live with and can't live without.  If we are not trusting God, not understanding where our source truly only leads to the anxiety, presumption, fear and even selfishness. It brings us to the point where we stand over it protectively and eventually causes us to lash out at others because we are afraid of losing it, of it being taken over by others birdbrains, of it not being there when we want or need it or better put...think we need it.

So the case in point...hummingbird angst over their food and my/our behavior.   We watch these birds aggressively protecting their food source battle in aerial assault with loud voices until one comes out the victor and owner of the food when all could eat freely.  We've yet to see anyone get struck by a beak during these bouts but they seem completely capable of doing it at times.  Its not that way in human relationships though is it?  People are always wounded.

Finally, it seems birds are pretty funny in how they have their ways but it seems everyone gets fed.  Isn't that amazing?!  Their habitual protecting of these feeders is not born out of fear or selfishness but their very nature so they can survive within the given range of "natural" food sources they are given and so all of them get to eat eventually. What serves them well in their natural habitat looks foolish at the feeders.  And aren't we the same too?  What serves us well when we are walking only in natural worldly knowledge looks foolish when we begin to walk in the knowledge of God and His truth.  It is walking counter-intuitively as my good friend Rae likes to say and which is true.  Trusting God is a counter intuitive act.

When we exibit these seemingly same character traits it is not out of instinct as it is in the birds, but rather out of a lack of trusting our Heavenly Father to be able to supply for our needs. This is not to say God supplies all of our wants which we often confuse with true needs and which are endless.  (The marketing gurus of our day are masters at fueling the fires want in our hearts and minds.)  This provision by God brings us to love Him even more as like a loving father this provision will demonstrates His love as a father over us and we will begin to understand more fully how deep His love for us is.  I recognize so many attitudes in myself that I learned from my days of not trusting Jesus and it seems each new circumstance is another opportunity to learn trust God more completely.  Our God provides what we need liberally without reservation.  Its funny how God's provision is now what I want more than ever..those demonstrations of God's loving provision for me. I still get tempted to act like a birdbrain but now I have a reminder of this truth lovingly given to me every time I look at the hummingbird feeders and especially when I see the hummingbirds fighting over feeding territory even though there is no need to.  Guess some things God sees the need to remind us of daily...and Lord knows I need it some days.

Copyright © 2010 by Patty Hicks

All rights reserved. No part of this blog may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including printing, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system without written permission from the author, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review. All reviews must include author's name and a link back to this blog.