When It Makes No Sense

Life makes no sense sometimes...probably more times than I want to admit, though most of the time what seems crazy doesn't really matter and is nothing more than a glitch or a bump in the road and life goes on without a hitch.  However, yesterday I received news in a phone call that shook me...news that I am still trying to process.

Like two colors of flowers on the same plant a lot of life seems to make no sense.

I was just getting ready to hit the door and do some grocery shopping when the pastor of my church called.  "Hi Patty" he said in his normal fashion.  "Hi John. What's up Pastor?" I replied.  "I am afraid I have some bad news." he said.  I was already imagining that one of our elder members had passed away and was prepared to hear the news, but what he said next sent my mind into a spiral and my heart broke in to shards like a glass jar cast onto a stone floor...."Hotaru took his own life Sunday evening" .  It hit me so hard I had to sit down.  To put how shocking this was to me into perspective for you, when my brother phoned to tell me my sixty nine year old father died I took the news standing up.  He was older, I was seemingly somewhat more prepared for that news, but this, this came out of nowhere.

Always loving to be in the picture, a life now lost

Hotaru was a young man, full of life and strength and spirit, who loved to sing and play is "giter" (guitar).  He was the kind of person who lit up a room with his smile.  We loved him, his passion, his ability to share his heart with us and his burden for his Japan, his silliness (yes it was a gift to us).  I can still hear his "Hello Pattyee!" as we greeted one another and his huge smile that it seems, too well hid the demons that haunted him.

Hotaru was student, studying to become a pastor in who hopes of returning to his native Japan to serve as a pastor to the people he loved most.  My pastor and his family have known each other for many years and Hotaru was a part of our fellowship and we watched over him like a son.  We had seen him walk through some deep emotional times but always rise again to a place of hope and faith.  What we could not see that somewhere in the recesses of his mind despair had laid a foothold somehow but it seems we may never know what that was as he left us no parting note, no message to explain what he was thinking. 

Upon hearing the news I felt numb and shaken at the same time, my mind running at warp speed to try and wrap this up in some tidy understandable package...but there was no tidying this up, no understanding why; it made no sense! How were we to ever know when he did not appear to be in trouble but seemed to be doing well?  Over and over again I am looking at what he did that was so different this time from previous times that would have sent a signal that we somehow missed...that flag of help we missed.

His family is flying in from Japan and will be here for the next few days to gather their son and take him home.  They will be with us this Sunday and I long to see them, to let them know how I grieve with them and how I too loved their son.  O how my mother's heart grieves for his mother as I too have a son and cannot imagine such a thing happening.  I weep deeply for her, for her loss and with his entire family.  I weep for his father who had such hope for his son who was following in his footsteps willingly and passionately...and for his sister who has lost the companionship of her brother.  How painful this must be.

How are we to ever reconcile in our hearts and minds I don't fully know.  We may never be able to as there is no note and no clear clue left behind.  How does a mother, father, brothers or sisters, friends or others make sense of any of this?  For me personally I have only one thing I can cling to...that God is the only one besides Hotaru that knows what happened and why.  For me this is enough and is helping me to realize I cannot feel guilty for things hidden from my eyes.  That may sound rather cut and dried but it is the truth that I know that guards my heart from displacing guilt onto my shoulders when there is non for me to carry. 

Where is the sense in this thing?

The enemy of my faith would love to have me feel guilty, but I refuse to listen.  My sweet brother in Christ hid away from us all that which would make us otherwise accountable.  So I will instead stand with the psalmist David in trusting in my God whose ways are not like the ways of man...and who somehow brings good out of very ugly situations over and over again.  David writes in Psalm 27:13 "I would have despaired unless I had believed I would see the goodness of God in the land of the living."  A confession of faith in the One who never changes, who knows the number of our days, who sees all things hidden...who knows the true intention of the heart of a man and who will not share his glory with another.

So often blame is laid on God for things that bring us pain.  He may have foreknowledge of things that will happen but that does not mean it pleases him that they do happen.  He grieves for those lost, for the mother in her pain, the father as he casts his last glance upon the face of his beloved son.

His blessings are found in the midst of the storm

A few years ago I penned some lyrics in a song about life..."You see life isn't easy, you see life isn't fair"...this truly seems to be most unfair for those of us left behind.  However, I am reminded that God's economy is not like mine, like ours.  There is no "fair" as we define fairness in God's economy.  He does things his way, uses things we think impossibly horrid and produces immeasurable blessing in our lives.  I have seen it in my own life over and over and over again as I walked through things I never dreamed I would have to endure.

Laura Story wrote a song that has great comfort in its lyrics and become one of my favorites as it speaks so well of this love God has and His blessings wrought out of great trials.  We so often look at trials as anything but blessings when often they are God's greatest blessing to us causing us to draw us nearer to Him and what could be better than that?.  I pray this unimaginable thing we have born witness to will do the same for Hotaru's family and all who knew Hotaru, and for his Japan.

Rest in peace my Brother...I miss you.
Blessings, by Laura Story

Connected by a thread...?

What is one to do when something important happens and it seems that everyone forgot to tell you?  That is my quandary this morning.

Yesterday on Facebook I was checking updates on family members and found a note on my cousin's wall that by all appearances said my uncle had passed away.  It wasn't something he posted but a note by another person and then his reply that made this apparent.  This feels really awkward...sort of knowing my uncle is gone and waiting for confirmation from family.  And because of this any mourning is put on hold for me until I know for certain he has passed on.  Right now my mind want to go six ways to Sunday about how this might have happened and I've been fighting the urge to blame someone for forgetting to tell me.  That is somewhere I need not to be going at all, so I decided I would here sit and write this post instead with hopes that I would be able to process through things without focusing blame on anyone, especially my cousins who just lost their dad.  There are so many more important things for them to focus on right now.

Uncle Wayne with his wife Becky, son Darryl and his wife Debbie

My uncle had been in a care facility for some time and in the past few months had been in some decline so this whole event is not a surprise, but the circumstance surrounding finding out about his death are.  It all seems a bit unseemly to me finding out this way, but I'm glad for social media, glad we can keep in touch so easily, thankful for the people I am reconnected with now that are clear across the continent.  This event really makes me wonder though at how "connected" I am really  It seems this connectedness is just some "feeling" of connection that is not really connection at all.

As people, we like to feel we are connected and that Facebook and other social media have somehow magically given it too us without the meat of true connectedness.  The validity of a "connection" can only be truly measured by its testing.  If all we do is read posts/updates and do nothing else are we connected?  My opinion...only by a fragile thread that would not withstand much testing if any. 

On my Facebook I have hundreds of "friends".  I can count the ones I feel I am truly connected with and call close friends in my head but do I even remember the names of all of all those other "friends"?  No. Case in point; there are several of my cousins and even my elderly aunt who have Facebook.  I receive no notes from any of them and it seems for now at least, this social media thing is only a link to keep up on information about what is happening in their lives and that's about it.  Sad but true.

Living so far away from them I'd hoped it would be more, but it seems Facebook is sometimes more like being in a crowded room with no one to talk to.  Actually its that way most all the time save those rare occasions where someone pops up on the chat and wants to really talk.  Its all very "on the surface".  Think about it.  I have and I don't think I am fine with what I'm feeling.

My uncle's passing has brought to light my own failings to stay truly connected with my family.  It seems death always does that.  The really sad part is that though I feel it now, I remember I've felt this way before and still the conviction of it all did not bring action that was sustained over time.  It was only a short burst of guilt over having not been better at staying in touch and that was it.  Guilt is a terrible motivator, so no wonder it never brought forth the desired results.  Love is the best motivator of all.  True love never fails. 

Oh boy...here we go...how much do I really love my family?  It is a difficult thing to look at my own failings in light of this truth.  How much time does it take really?  A few minutes to write a note and send it in the mail.  Maybe the same for a phone call.  Love acts...and even if I say I love my widowed aunt, if I do not follow through with some action it all seems like vain imaginings to me.  Has my life gotten so busy or so overwhelming to me that I cannot carve out thirty minutes a month to remember her?

I hope I do better this time around.  I would hope that true love would incite me to act as there are many more people whom I profess to love who could use some words of encouragement and comfort or just a note to say I remembered them today.  I hope I will love them enough to remember to write them or call them, remember to not get so wrapped up in my own life that I forget these wonderful people who could use a reminder that someone is thinking of them.  (O Lord have mercy.)

Heavenly Father,
I am so utterly bad at acting upon the love that I feel in my heart for others sometimes, remembering to phone or to send a little note of encouragement.  Would You help me to be better at this?  Would you help me to be disciplined at this even so others would be blessed.  It is not because of any guilt that I ask this but because of the love and encouragement and comfort that others need from me. Please use me to love, encourage and comfort others in this way more.  It is something I've always desired to do but never seemed to be able to do on my own so I'm asking that You would press upon me to love others more through staying in touch with them. 
In the name of Him who gave His life that we might live eternally, amen.

Copyright © 2010 by Patty Hicks

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